Vera Evelyn Leavoy

I’m not quite sure where to start. Quite a lot has transpired in the past few days. Suffice it to say, the shape of Leia’s family has shifted dramatically.

Saturday morning, we were awoken with the news of Auntie Vera’s passing. Vera was Leia’s only family for the past six years. She has been an important part of our lives. She was loved, and she will be missed. We knew that her time was limited when we left for our trip, as her health was rapidly deteriorating. We contemplated cancelling or postponing the trip – but as there was no real information at the time, and little we could do, we elected to continue. In addition, the Vera of sound health would have insisted that we continue on our trip! While we were in Edmonton, we found out that Vera had a brain tumor, and the doctors estimated she had three months or so. While sad, it explained a lot of her behavior and suffering of late. Only a few short days later, as we were driving into Jasper for ice cream, three months shrunk to a matter of days. We spent our time in Jasper thinking of Vera, waiting for news. It was only a matter of time. Leia and I discussed whether she should fly home to be with Vera. In the end, Leia decided to continue on to Squamish with us. On Saturday morning, our beloved Auntie Vera passed away.

As I write this, I am struck by the profound sadness of it. Leia knows that it will likely sink in when we return to KW. Vera was one of the main reasons why we returned there. Life in Waterloo will be different without her. We will miss Vera’s tenacious spirit, her banter, and her intelligence. We’ll fondly remember how much joy Vera derived from our girls, and how she loved for them to sing and put on shows for her fellow residents at Waterloo Heights. There will be a definite void in our life going forward.

Perhaps most of all, I’ll miss just how much Vera loved Leia. Vera was extremely proud of everything Leia has accomplished. She loved watching Leia as a mother and as a partner. She wanted to throw a celebratory party for Dr. Leia at the completion of her PhD, which unfortunately never materialized given her failing health. She stood up for Leia, and took her in during the blow-up that was Leia’s family. Vera also loved our kids immensely. She derived great joy from them. She also loved me, as Leia’s partner and as an individual. She stood up for me, for Leia, and for our relationship when the majority of Leia’s family reject her and despised me. Vera, like Leia, was eventually cut out of the family, in large part for her willingness to defend me.

Vera would have been special to us irrespective of our experience with Leia’s family. But, she was especially important given that she became Leia’s only family. Unlike Vera, Leia’s family couldn’t find it in themselves to accept Leia for who she was. They’d profess to love her, but that love was conditional on Leia believing and behaving as they expected. It was also conditional on Leia not loving me. Leia’s family never wanted us to get married. Even after several years of marriage, and with a new baby, it seemed that Leia’s family still desired that she leave me.

Even recently, we’ve heard the idea that I stole Leia from the family. Vera never once participated in that bullshit. When Leia asked if she could move in, she didn’t hesitate. She opened her arms wide for Leia and for I – and they remained open and welcoming ever since.

It will be some time before it really sinks in for Leia. Yesterday on our drive through British Columbia, we talked about our favourite memories. Last night, after we had dessert at the Banff Springs with Rhonda and Mike, the girls cried all the way back to our campsite, out of tiredness and mourning for Vera. The grief will likely increase as we drive eastward.

Leia’s family dynamic also shifted in the past few days in another way. When Leia turned 30, she received a Facebook message from her youngest sister, Linae. It was the first we had heard from Linae in five years. We had always told ourselves that if Linae ever contacted us, we’d happily meet with her. After all, she was a kid when Leia’s folks cut Leia out, and that meant Linae had no real option. In fact, we’ve often felt awful about her situation. So, when she messaged, we arranged to meet in Waterloo the next time she was home. So, last June we met for a few hours at a café. It was nice to get to know her a bit, for both of us, but especially for Leia, who was like a second mother to Linae. It was nice to learn that Linae is a really nice kid – who is not at all a kid anymore! After a few hours of catching up, we addressed the elephant in the room, and talked briefly about what had happened. We invited Linae to come meet her nieces, to get to know us, and to discuss what had happened so that we could start establishing a new relationship. She seemed eager and willing. I did warn her, however, that it might come at a risk. When she got to know us, when she saw that Leia wasn’t the Stepford wife her parents claimed, and that I wasn’t an abusive and controlling maniac, when she found out that we were happy, kind and fun, that it would be contrary to the things she had been told about us. And that could be tough to deal with, especially if her parents or broader family gave her grief for spending time with us – and we suspected some would. Becoming friends with us brought the risk of discord with some of the family. Linae still seemed eager to meet with us again, but something must have transpired at home, as it never materialized. Linae did want to keep in touch, and told us to contact her were we ever in Vancouver where she went to school (Langley) and lived in the summer, with Leia’s brother Luke and his wife Lisa.

We weren’t interested in a casual email exchange, and had no interest in getting together in Vancouver. We didn’t contact them when we were in Vancouver in May.

Last week, however, we sent Linae a note offering to meet. The decision to initiate contact with Leia’s family might come as a surprise to many. I’ve been comfortable with our life without them. In fact, I love our life. Without a question, Leia and I are in the best spot we’ve ever been – both as individuals, as a couple, as parents, as friends, etc. As we were driving to Jasper, I simply asked Leia if we should message Linae. After all, we were going to be in Vancouver.

The decision to message Linae wasn’t really thought through or discussed. We raised the idea, and we both agreed. Certainly, there are many things motivating it. Recently, we learned that Doug and Isabel (Leia’s folks) have separated. The edifice of the family clearly was crumbling, and that changes things. One of Leia’s sisters is also seven months pregnant, meaning Leia’s first biological niece or nephew. There is also the passing of my grandfather, whom I hadn’t had any real contact with for nearly a decade. Being at the funeral was interesting for lots of reasons. In addition to affirming that thought that my Dad deserved better, I was struck by the sense of loss I had when I saw my uncle Chuck. He’s the only one that I could honestly say at times I miss – and seeing him saddened by his father’s passing did move me. The fact that he’s acted like a complete D-bag is not lost on me, but it didn’t diminish the fact that with him, I wish it were different between us. Of course, there is also our friend Kathleen who is bravely confronting the end of her own life, which has been more than inspiring. Her journey has included reconciliations and reconnections that were obviously important, and gave us pause. And, of course, we knew Vera was going to die soon.

Unfortunately, our note to Linae didn’t get a response. Thinking that it might be because she simply didn’t receive it, and as our note offered to meet with Luke and Lisa as well if they interested, we eventually decided to send a note to Luke and Lisa as well. With little discussion, and with no expectations, we eventually arranged to meet with Luke and Lisa. Linae, unfortunately, was unable to meet with us. It turns out that while we were on the West Coast, so too were the rest of Leia’s family, minus her Dad. Because she didn't receive our first note, Linae had already made plans with visiting sisters. While it was too bad that we could meet, we have made plans to meet with her next time she is in Waterloo.

Luke and Lisa did decide to drive up to Squamish to meet. To their credit, Luke and Lisa were the only ones in the family that strove to keep a relationship with us when the rest of the family cut us out. As they stated it, they kept an open door policy towards us. What I don’t think they quite realized was that the door that was opened to us wasn’t exactly one that was hospitable or one we felt comfortable walking through. The visit was interesting, enlightening, and reaffirming. We don’t quite know what comes next, but we’re all open to seeing what happens.

Admittedly, I am still hesitant – and, I think, rightly so. But, we’ll see. At a minimum, I’m glad that Leia and I have reached a point in our own live where we can meet with them without any fear of what it might mean for our own relationship. We probably reached that point years ago, but until Friday, we hadn’t really tested those waters. Come what may, the Minakers pose no threat to our relationship. Perhaps it is fitting that we met with Luke and Lisa while on our tenth anniversary tour. In the past ten years, we’ve been through hell and back with the Minaker family. We’ve overcome significant obstacles. We’re better people for it.

The time of Vera’s passing is not lost on me. She helped Leia and I through the past ten years. I don’t know what would have happened had Vera not opened her arms to Leia, if she hadn’t been willing to take one the scorn and anger that followed for supporting Leia. There have been many people that have supported Leia and I through the years, but perhaps we owe the greatest debt of gratitude to Vera. As Leia and I work towards another ten years, we’ll be sad that Vera can’t be there with us, but we will be thankful that she was there for the first ten. We will continue to honour her as we celebrate each year of marriage. Her support and love were instrumental for our marriage.

We love you and will miss you a lot, Vera.