The Great Wolf Lodge Kampala Connection

(Warning: this is long. Sorry. It is my way of processing!).

As I write this, I’m sitting beside an Olympic sized swimming pool, at one of Kampala’s most prestigious resorts. It is a day for relaxing. I have not written as many blog posts as I had intended, so today is a great day to catch up. We’ve been quite busy, of course, but that is not the reason why I have neglected to update my blog. To be frank, I have not been sure how to write a blog post. Simply put, I’ve been overwhelmed, and I have not yet finished processing all that has happened in the past few days. I’m sure I’ll continue to reflect about this trip, and blog about it, for some time to come. For sure at some point soon I’ll post about the safari – but I first need to obtain Isaac’s pictures.

My view while writing this blog post!

Today’s post is not an easy one to write, but I think it is extremely important. I knew coming to Uganda, and a third world country, would impact me in unknown and profound ways. I did not, however, anticipate the reaction I would have.

This blog is about the connection between Kampala and Great Wolf Lodge.

As many of you likely know, it has been a tough year for Leia and I. Well, truthfully, there has been a lot of tough years. I’m not complaining about my life – I truly love my life – but there have been many challenges. From Leia’s family, to constantly being in flux, to the worry of finding jobs, to the challenges of having a young family, and so on. The past six months have been particularly trying. If you’ve read previous blog posts, see our updates on Facebook, or just talk to us (the old fashioned way), you know some of the issues we’ve had to address. Some have been very minor – like introducing our second cat, George, to the first, Little M. Some have been pretty significant – like getting together with Leia’s brother Luke and his wife Lisa in Squamish in July, and then again in December in Kitchener. Or there is the fact that I hurt my knee in August playing hockey, which meant I have not been running, and I began to rely on that time to clear my head and expend pent up energy and frustration.

There have also been some huge issues we’ve face, ones that have had a profound impact. Top among them: Auntie Vera’s death. It has profoundly altered our lives, and we’re still not done figuring out what it means for us. There is not a day that goes by when we don’t think of her, as we’re surrounded by her memories, her paintings. Losing our friend Kathleen was also difficult for the whole family. And there were other issues. Some I’m not at liberty to disclose, but they kept us awake at night, and occupied our time and attention.

And then there is the thesis. I’m privileged to be a doctoral student, but my experience has not been ideal. In addition to the hurdles and frustrations I’ve faced, the past few months have been a hectic marathon of work, often leaving me neglecting the family and household, working evenings and weekends unlike any other time in my academic career in order to overcome a shortfall that I do not think exists in the first place.

So in November, in light of the past few months, my busy schedule, and the knowledge that I would be in Uganda after Christmas, Leia and I booked a night at Great Wolf Lodge to surprise the kids. It was part of an “experiences” rather than “things” as gifts idea we had this year. In early December we went, and had a great time.

Two of my beauties at Great Wolf Lodge.

But I did have a unique experience while there. Evelyn, Marley and I were in line for the Wolly Mammoth, a family friendly waterslide where you sat in a tube – this was Evelyn’s favourite. As we waited in line, Evelyn leaned against the railing. It wiggled. Just a bit.

I don’t know if it was evident to anyone else, but I became very concerned for our safety in that moment. I kept inching the girls away from the railing. I started to gingerly test its strength. I began evaluating the height of the jump, and whether I could successfully, in the event the stairway collapsed, jump into the lazy river with the girls. And, if so, how should I land so as to ensure they landed safely. Or, if I couldn’t make the lazy river, how do I land on the concrete in a way to protect the girls both from the fall and debris. It didn’t matter that the lazy river was three feet deep or that we were easily 25 feet above the concrete, I was planning as escape route. I also started to examine the structure itself. How was the staircase built, and how much weight could it hold? To minimize the weight on our section, I made sure not to crow the people in front. How many people were on the stairs? How much would we collectively weigh?

None of the above was rational. And it didn’t last long. We were on the tube within five minutes or so, and my heart stop racing, and it didn’t happen again. But for those few moments, I was irrational about what was happening, and the risks we were exposed to. I knew it was irrational, but that didn’t matter.

A few days later, I told Leia about it. It didn’t happen again, and so it was easy to dismiss as tiredness or stress from overworking the previous weeks. Although I was hesitant to label my experience, I considered it a minor and insignificant panic attack. (In hindsight, I have begun to identify a few other signs of anxiety in December.)

Leaving for Uganda, I felt some stress. This is natural, no doubt, especially for an inexperienced traveller such as myself. Some of these fears I expressed to people. For example, I was (am) stressed about the fact that were something to happen, I’m at least 24 hours travel from my family and, what’s more, I can’t get back easily. Most places I’ve visited, I could drive home, or walk. Here, without a plane or a boat, I’m stuck. Other fears I’ve been able to plan for (malaria pills, vaccinations, etc.). Some of the fears, however, I just chalked up to nervousness and didn’t say much about. For example, I was afraid I’d never come home. Silly, so why focus on it. Of course I’d come home!

Walking to Isaac and Erica's house after arriving. This is their road.

There is a history of anxiety in my family. Some of my family members, both immediate and extended, suffer more than others. I’ve never discounted their experiences, but it is difficult to appreciate how they feel. I never understood. That is, until now.

Departing for Uganda I was excited and nervous. This was the longest trip away from my kids ever, the furthest away I’ve ever travelled, and to the most different culture. But, I was excited to spend time with Isaac and Erica, to see new things, to go on safari, etc. Before leaving, I wondered if perhaps I had booked too long of a trip. I wanted to maximize the value, so I planned to spend 11 days in Kampala, plus the 2.5 days of travel. I figured I’d just deal with homesickness. I also hoped that the kids would cope – although Jordan was quite nervous about me leaving, and thought my fate would be sealed by a volcano.

When I arrived in Uganda, I was excited and nervous. I’ll blog later about these experiences. But I was also immediately thrown a curveball. I earlier blogged about this – my luggage, including the forced to check carry-on with my clothing and other valuables, did not arrive. As I noted, the bags with stuff for Isaac and Erica eventually showed up and were delivered that first night (following some bribing of the luggage delivery man). My carry-on, with some of my emergency meds, most of my clothing, spare glasses, and letters and stuff for Isaac and Erica never arrived. It still hasn’t. Erica has graciously called on my behalf to locate this luggage, as has Leia from Canada – there is still no knowledge where that bag is. I’ve accepted it is gone forever, and will try to make an insurance claim (sadly, the total amount lost is staggering for such a small bag – a consequence both of bringing good camping clothes for safari and being blind, and thus having expensive eyewear!). Isaac is confident it will show up.

It is just stuff. Not even all that important. Most I can replace, albeit at a cost. But, while it is just stuff, not having that stuff here affected me. Suddenly, I only had two pairs of boxers, one pair of shorts, and a few t-shirts – and the shorts and t-shirts were a fluke, as I happened to shove these in another bag last minute thinking, “why not?”

The first night, without that bag, I slept well. Jet lag didn’t affect me, as I had hardly slept (other than a few hours on the plane ride) since I left. I awoke ready to experience Uganda.

By night, however, things had changed. I still didn’t have the clothes I assumed I would get (more than assumed, I was told I’d have my baggage by the pervious night – moreover, here there is no real customer service other than reassurances that everything will be resolved very soon, even if that is an outright lie). And, I had begun to experience an entirely new world. And, Erica and Isaac were talking about the different life here in Kampala. This included casual conversations about the security guards – they have a day and a night guard constantly in their compound – the barbed wire and iron barred windows, the potential poisonous snakes (we found a snake skin, the first they had seen, along their fence), and so on.

Day two, I lay awake in bed unable to sleep. I did some emailing. I watched a bit of a movie. I tried reading. And as I lay there, hour after hour, I began to panic more and more. I knew that Erica and Isaac had experienced similar feelings. I tried to calm myself down. I tried to be rational. But nothing seemed to help. It was like I was looking for an escape plan off of that stairway at Great Wolf Lodge. I had one too – a very expensive flight home the next day. Around 4 am local time, which is 8 pm EST, I talked to my neighbour Jon about it on Facebook. He told me it was lame to fly home early, and that I just needed to do pushups or something. He gave me good perspective about it all. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. We were to be up at 7am, and I was easily. I simply never fell asleep.

That day was a long day. We went to the biggest market in Kampala to buy shoes (blog to come). We also were leaving that night for the Kampala basecamp for our safari. I hoped sleep would easily come. That night, it did not. I lay awake a very long time. I don’t know that I would have slept at all, but one of Isaac and Erica’s friends, having come prepared for (and having experienced) sleeplessness, gave me two sleeping pills. They were a “just in case” for the safari, so that I could enjoy myself. I’ve never in my life used sleeping pills. Around 1:30 am, with only an hour of sleep in the previous 48 hours (I snoozed for about an hour or so on the couch mid day), I got up and tried to get on Isaac’s computer to book a flight home earlier. I couldn’t get online. So, eventually I took the sleeping pill. I laid there for another half an hour or so. I woke a few hours later to leave for safari.

The worst part was that I knew I was being irrational. In fact, I tried very hard to keep calm. I thought positive things. I thought about the fun I was having when I was hanging out with Isaac and Erica. Despite all of that, I couldn’t shake the tingling feeling under my skin, the numbness that would overtake my extremities.

I should note at this point, in case my mom or others concerned for Isaac and Erica are reading, they are safe here. In fact, as I’ll likely blog about later, I think they are thriving. I’m very, very proud of them both.

But that pride didn’t help me sleep. The first sleepless night my thoughts wandered through a forest of fears. As I lay there I thought, if an airline can’t even keep track of my bags, how am I safe? The first night I also killed a mosquito inside of my mosquito tent. Everything was scary, because everything posed a risk. Whether the water, the bugs, the food, the lack of infrastructure, the threat of robbery, the chaos that is traffic – even my beard! I have grown a decent beard (say what you will!) for the first time in my life, and it has people staring here. I’ve gotten numerous comments. Not sure if they are good or bad (although one young guy at the market told me that my hair was beautiful!). That night was terrifying.

On night three, I don’t know that I would have ever slept were it not for the little help from George. Problem was, I had two more nights on safari, and only one little pill left. But, each day I hoped it would get better, and that eventually exhaustion would help me sleep.

Unfortunately, it did not.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m immensely glad I came. I’ve also had a great time with Isaac and Erica. But I wanted to go home. As I looked at the length of the trip ahead of me, the thought of sleepless nights, and tingling limbs, I wondered if I had been too ambitious.

Part of my struggle was no doubt jet lag. And not sleeping didn’t help. But it was bigger than that. Erica later described it as a cocktail of issues – and I think she’s right. Being in Uganda, and dealing with a bunch of new stuff whilst feeling unprepared (without my stuff) and exhausted was a tipping point. The anxiety I was able to shed by riding down the Wolly Mammoth with the girls did not diminish here.

Arriving at Murchison Falls National Park.

We drove to Murchison Falls Friday morning. It was not a short drive. On a few hours sleep, I was trying to calm myself internally. I was determined to overcome the anxiety of the past few days. But I couldn’t shake it. I found myself constantly having to take deep breaths to settle myself. At the Red Chili Rest Area that night, I was feeling it all the more.

The entire time I had been talking about it with Isaac and Erica. They were well aware of how I was feeling, my lack of sleep, and so on. That night, I called Leia in a bit of a panic. I didn’t mean to, but when Jordan answered the phone (very politely, I might add), it was all I could do to keep it together. I’m not one to cry, and only on occasion get choked up (not that there is anything wrong with crying, of course), but I was on the verge of tears. And not a slow rolling teardrop down one cheek – full on waterworks. I quickly got Jordan to pass the phone to Leia. I had previously asked Jon to keep my 4 am panic conversation with him private until I returned. But I had to tell Leia how I was feeling. I probably freaked her out a bit. She has since told me that in the 11.5 years we’ve been together, she’s never heard me like that.

Short story is, I got her to book me an earlier flight home. It wasn’t cheap, but I thought, a few less nights of sleeplessness would allow me to enjoy my time here even more. So, rather than leaving Friday night, I’m leaving Tuesday night.

That change made me feel rational and calm. At least at first. I thought sleep would be no problem. I was wrong. Despite having slept very little, I still couldn’t sleep (and no nap that day even!). Sometime around 1:30 am or later, I elected to use George’s little helper again. But I was nervous to use it all in case I needed help the next night, so I bit off half. I fell asleep a bit later, so when I woke the next day, I now had a solid 9 hours over the past three days.

It was Saturday – the day of our safari. Both a game drive in Murchison and a three-hour Nile cruise. It was truly remarkable. I saw amazing things (blog to come). But the panic did not subside entirely. I could control it here and there. If we kept moving, it wasn’t as bad – but it never left. The three-hour break between the game drive and the cruise was pretty tough. I kept telling myself, “You’re fine, everything is fine”, and would take deep breaths. After the cruise, however, I began to unwind in a whole new way.  The feeling at Great Wolf Lodge paled in comparison.

Maybe I’m just hungry, I thought – after all, I have been shaky when I’ve been hungry before? So we ordered food. But I had to force myself to eat it. And, knowing that there was no late night fridge or cupboards to raid, I actually forced myself to eat a few bites. Then I politely excused myself from the table, and told Isaac and Erica I needed to go to my tent.

As I walked to the tent, I thought, “they are going to find my collapsed on the ground.” I thought my heart was going to explode. Apparently, it is very common for people having panic attacks to think that they are having heart attacks. Leia later found out from my psychologist-in-law Danielle, that panic attacks do not cause physical harm. That was actually a big relief. We were in the middle of nowhere. Any cardiac event would be bad. I’d be hippo food.

Erica and Isaac followed me to the tent shortly, and proceed to help me calm down. Erica called Leia on my behalf. Isaac put on a funny show. Then Erica rubbed my back – which just about broke me. Almost every night after dinner, the kids walk on my back (we call it shuggling). And, every day is full of double squeezes – which Leia and I have done since we dated (it means, “I love you”). I was unprepared for the impact that the lack of physical contact with my girls would have. When Erica was rubbing my back, I imagined little feet. Eventually, I was able to calm down. With the aid of the remaining half of George’s little helper, I was able to get a few hours sleep.

I feel very fortunate to have come to Kampala, and to have spent time with Isaac and Erica. I also feel very fortunate that I can afford to book an alternate ticket home. This was not how I imagined my visit, but it has been an important one for me. The past few days, we’ve spent at Speke Resort. An air conditioned room, with a bed that is long enough for me, with an Olympic sized pool, and ample security, coupled with the knowledge that I will be heading home soon, has allowed me to relax more. I’ve finally been able to sleep without having to use help. I do not regret returning home sooner, because I am not fully in control of when or where I might experience the next wave of panic. Certainly I’m more comfortable, but the gnawing feeling is there.

This blog was written over two days. Tonight I leave for home. There is a giant snowstorm there, so perhaps I’ll be stuck in Amsterdam. But, yesterday, out of the blue, Isaac was proven right. My suitcase arrived. For my last day in Kampala, I’ll be wearing fresh clothes.